I saw Santa driving a Buick

Could it be? I mean they’re already cramming Halloween down our throats and we know what’s next. The minute a leaf turns a faint color of anything besides green it’s somehow officially fall and then here comes Santa.

I’m tired. I’ve been tired lately and I thought at first it was because I switched a bunch of my medications, but now I just think I’m tired of a lot of things. I don’t want to be rushed. I really, really dislike being rushed. I walk with a limp and I can’t tell you the number of folks that hit the back of my shoes because they are literally at my heels. So I move over and let them pass, this happens almost every time I shop and oddly enough often as I exit church. Not sure where the fire is on Sundays but get out-of-the-way. So I walk slow because I have to now but I’m used to it, I’m okay with it, but the world is not. Have I mentioned I hate feeling rushed?

Yeah, and I saw a guy with the biggest Santa beard driving a Buick really fast. He looked perfect for the part and I wondered if he was growing it out for the role or if it’s his usual look. Yet I’m sure there are some dudes packing on the pounds claiming it’s all for art and soon will be applying for work at malls across the land, but I just want it to be September for now. Then comes the gorgeous, crisp fall with all the special things included in it. That’s as far ahead as I’m willing to go. Please, enough rushing. Being a slow poke I now embrace being pokey, you make do when you can’t feel your foot inside your shoe. Sometimes I walk with a cane, when I take a stroll I belong in the emergency lane with my blinkers on but so far I can’t find that path. Instead I hear some sighing, an occasional “excuse me” but mostly just feel my hair blowing as folks pass me by.

Really, unless it’s life or death or you really are Santa having confused a Buick for Rudolph, then what’s the hurry?

Is that a sink hole?

I think I might have a sink hole in my back yard. If I put on my glasses I’d be able to give you details about that, let’s just say I need to put my glasses on more often. I’ve been blessed my entire life with excellent vision, but lately my eyes have been a little blurry and it’s amazing if you put those glasses on you can see so nicely. But I’m not going to wear my glasses in traction, that’s like wearing your glasses on a ride at an amusement park, it’s just asking for trouble. So I don’t put them on when I get up because I’m not accustomed to wearing them and then I do traction and the next thing I know I’m looking out the back window and I think I have a growing sink hole and I can’t find my glasses! This could be the most exciting thing to happen in my backyard EVER.

As for keeping up with my glasses I’m tempted to get one of those strings but I knew a person once who wore one around their neck and they were a combination of kind of mean and a little too pretentious for my taste and I’m concerned about cross contamination. Plus the thought of putting anything around my neck EXCEPT a scarf with a built-in heating pad really isn’t appealing. Visualize the Pillsbury Dough Boy wearing a scarf, something that would match his gentle doughy neck, that would work perfectly for me. When it comes to what I want to touch my neck I’m “light and fluffy” all the way. The oxygen it seems is officially being restricted since I’ve now compared part of my body to a crescent roll and it feels like a fairly accurate description.

Ok, this is where my head is today, as for my glasses, on second thought maybe they’re in the sink hole.
I’ll keep you posted.

To do list in making a list (In honor of Mom, Min and Marie)

I love lists, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I instantly feel organized after I create one, even when most likely at that moment I’m the furthest thing from it. When I’m sitting in the waiting area for an appointment nothing pleases me more than to pull out a list and add notes. I’m a complete dork about adding notes and tweaking my list. Maybe it’s because even if you don’t do another thing you feel a sense of accomplishment because you compiled a list. It makes no sense but you can see how sitting here makes me want to create a list. Doesn’t matter what kind, grocery, daily chores, long-term projects, life goals, books I want to read because I think someone my age should have read them, places I want to visit near a spectacular view with something great to drink, you get the idea, it doesn’t take much……..doesn’t matter, it’s about MAKING the list. When it comes down to accomplishing the things on the list, well, sometimes I can’t even find my list to check things off. Sometimes there’s nothing to check off, sometimes I realize there is another list to make within my list. But it doesn’t matter because I know I have made an ideal list and while I’m working on getting to my list, I’m perfecting my list!

1st you need some time to yourself, check!
#2. a desire to make a list, check, check!
#3. something/anything to write on, (I’ve even used the back of a receipt at the bottom of my purse, it was that or a tissue) check!
#4. any task or idea you deem worthy of requiring a list, check!
#5. a writing tool, (lipstick has worked in a pinch,) check!
#6. great enthusiasm and a child like dream of accomplishing the list, check!
#7. realize need to create another list to better ready myself to accomplish the things on this list, check!

Well, that’s pretty much it. Just while I’m sitting here today I’ve made three lists. I’m removing my head from this contraption and I feel like Martha Stewart out of prison.

You just never know

So I swear, I’m minding my own business and waiting in line at the store and the clerk is laughing with two men in front of me. One of the guys was buying what appeared to be some beige foundation because apparently he had used his wife’s and she found out and made him replace the entire bottle. The clerk was an older woman and she teased the man that he won’t be so vain the next time to use his wife’s make up and he laughed and agreed. Then it was my turn and I put my stuff on the counter and she just starts chatting with me about men. How “some men are just like that” and how much her mother loved her father, “but he had to go cause he was a ho.” I looked up at her and I heard the word OH come out of my mouth.

She said, “yep, he was a ho until the day he died, I had a wonderful step mother too and she told me along with my own mother that he was a ho and now his son, my brother is a ho too, just love women way too much.” With that she handed me the bag of items I had purchased and I said, well, you just never know and walked away.

Speechless on several fronts…..

What was it that Michael Scott said, “then suddenly she ain’t your ho, no mo.”

Lady Gaga, venetian blinds and the moon.

For whatever reason this is what is in my head today. I saw a photo of Lady Gaga, she was wearing glasses that could easily pass for venetian blinds. Well, that’s about all I know about that but they were very funky shades! When I was a kid we had venetian blinds hanging at some windows. They were heavy and intense horizontal slats that made you feel like they could slice you in half if you got stuck under them. At night I would stand at the dining room window and look up a hill to see the moon, hoping I didn’t become entrapped by the blinds. They seemed like they had a life of their own and could suddenly clank themselves alive………of course the first thing venetian blinds with a pulse would do would be to attack and strangle me. Yet despite my irrational fear of these metal menaces I always felt like they were worth climbing under to catch a glimpse of the moon.

I was watching the moon last night and it looked just as wonderful as ever. My favorite coffee mug says “I love you to the moon and back.” Once when I was going to be living far away from my Mom we talked about how we could stay in touch. She told me that I should just look at the moon and know she was looking back, she’d be watching the moon out that same window.

Really, name something cooler than the moon…….nope, it’s not Lady Gaga’s glasses.

Was that a UFO in aisle 6?

Nope, just a little boy strapped into a cart hurling a bag of frozen peas at his brother, but when it comes to my grocery store you may wonder. It’s built on an old land fill and the surrounding property is swampy in a part of the world without many swamps. Yet, neither of those tidbits leads me to believe it’s inhibited by aliens, it’s just a unscientifically weird store. Yes, there’s a guy that no matter the season he’s singing a unique rendition of “Take me out to the ball game” as he bags the groceries. Yes, there’s an ever-changing flow of clerks leading you to believe they may be alien abductees. Yes, the fellow customers may make you wonder if they landed there departing a flying saucer AND yes, some of the folks smell like they’ve not been introduced to some earthly comforts. BUT, all in all it’s not any of those things in particular.

It’s just a goofy, quirky and at times, sad place. It’s a newer store but you’d never know it. It’s the kind of place that seems like the bread always falls off the truck. I’m not sure why I shop there except it is convenient but I easily have other options. I think I just have a fondness for it because it’s very real. There is no pretense in this place. You easily see various forms of authentic behavior exhibited in every aisle. It’s the furthest thing from alien, it’s a very human place.

Sometimes stores try to make the shopping experience something filled with escapism, like a fairy tale, that’s not happening here. Walking these aisles you’re not overcome by make-believe or lost in outer space in the freezer section. You see it all clearly here but you don’t need 3D glasses. I’m sure there are other grocery experiences like this in the world where people don’t have a lot of patience or luxuries. It’s just the kind of place that when you make that quick stop for milk and whatever you determine that day to be “essential” you often leave with much more, just not necessarily in your cart.