A Cloudy Day at the Beach

We’ve all experienced that day that we’ve looked forward to for months and it’s not quite what we imagined it would be. It may be the drizzle on the first day of our supposed sunny beach vacation or a stomach bug that keeps us from the party where we’d reconnect with old friends or some other disappointment that at the time seems so “unfair.” Then something rings our bell and we are reminded we live in an unfair world and if someone promised fairness, they lied. My pain has been bad lately and I’m a tired grump. I’m frustrated with thinking about a future without solutions to my spinal issues, where spinal transplants are still something out of the Jetsons and I’m left with a hand shake and “I wish you the best of luck” from yet another Neuro doc.

How funny is it that some days when we remember that cloudy beach day and how unfair we thought it was, how unhappy it made us, how our concerns where nothing more than rooting for a good weather report, how weird is it in hindsight when those days feel so selfish, so silly, so not the point of anything. I get so stuck, so caught up in the one tiny moment that I forget to think about all the moments, in all the places, in all the world. If I had just really looked at that ocean on a rainy day I’d see what a little speck of water I am, and although I believe in the importance of my speck showing up, there are plenty of other specks out there with far worse going on than a disappointment that will all but be forgotten in a week or two. Sometimes I tend to focus so much on the rain I forget to take in the ocean. My pain is as real as the rain and on cloudy days I easily get caught up in the moment, but looking back or borrowing on tomorrow is a waste of time, today is it baby, rain or shine, today is all we have!

Ok, what’s going on?

Yes, it is the first day of a new month, but I shouldn’t be fooling myself or anyone else, its February, not April. Instead, I’ve just been fast forwarding a bit today, trying to make it beach weather. WOW, doesn’t that just sound so great? Really, even sand stuck to my sunscreen covered legs sounds appealing right now. Drinking beyond tepid water out of a plastic bottle could taste refreshing and welcomed. Sitting on missing glasses and trying to read sun faded magazines seems exciting and creative, eating melted chocolate along with soggy snacks could be fun and edgy. Goodness, I’m completely daydreaming of a blinding blue sky reflecting onto a shimmering sea. Where are you and when will I see you again?!

It’s days like today when the trees glisten, not with Christmas lights but rather with ice and brown leaves left there from the drought, where it all seems worthy of causing a Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman case of delirium. I’m so ready for spring, I’m sorry, I know I’m whining and somehow think I have a hall pass when I’m strapped in traction, but gosh, doesn’t a day at the beach right now sound a little like some glorious life that isn’t yours….so, for the next 20 minutes I’ll make it mine and dream away……….holy cow, I just felt a splash on my face.