Tune worthy, swoon worthy

Strapped in listening to The Glenn Miller Orchestra play Moonlight Serenade. If this song doesn’t soothe you not sure what will.

Here goes, confessions of a girl strapped in traction……….. love Glenn Miller, love Jimmy Stewart, who by the way played Glenn Miller in the movie, The Glenn Miller Story, and love John Krasinski, this generation’s tall and lanky dude. Love is maybe too strong a word, but maybe not.

Ok, confession time over and so is the song, but if you don’t know what I’m talking about click out of here and do yourself a favor, go to YouTube, search Moonlight Serenade, close your eyes and listen…..hurry, go now.

Advertisement

Subtraction traction

That’s my goal, always, to do less traction. I’m still at my schedule of three times a week and I’m sitting here wondering how to get it to two times a week. Not sure how to make that happen but I can wish. If I don’t do this I’m a bull in a fine china shop. You need it dropped and in a million pieces on the floor, I’m your girl! Ok, slow day, just hanging, wanted you to know I’m still here.

Thanks for reading.

The definition of traction

So which do you prefer? “The action of drawing a body, vehicle, train or the like, along a surface, as a road, track, railroad or waterway” or how about, “the act of drawing or pulling” but let’s not leave out “the deliberate and prolonged pulling of a muscle, organ, or the like, as by weights, to correct dislocation, relieve pressure, etc.”

BINGO, I think we have a winner!

It made me feel better to read the definition and cringe a little. When you read something that has the power to make you wince you figure it must be creepy for real and yeah, it is. I’m moaning and complaining, I’ve been trying not to do either but have I mentioned lately I’M SO SICK AND TIRED OF TRACTION and if I don’t do it I can’t feel my hands and I’m sick of that too!

Ok, moving on.

“It’s a good thing”

Nope, I haven’t been sniffing the Martha Stewart glue stick, nothing like that, rather I almost fell asleep in traction today! This is a first and I think “a good thing.” It means I was relaxed and yes, comfortable enough and obviously tired enough to fall asleep. I caught myself just as my head was about to fall off my neck, rather the sling around my head caught me and suddenly I’m back sitting as I should be, but it was a thrill while it lasted. Not to whine, but I can’t describe the discomfort I have felt while sitting here most of the time and to know that I actually was ok enough with sitting here today that I could fall asleep, this is HUGE.

Yeah, I think I’m kind of exhausted with my sleep issues to allow it to more easily happen but I’m focusing on the being comfortable enough to let it happen part.

Gotta find some nugget of good here cause I’ve been losing my psych of late. I mean if it wasn’t for this crazy blog I’d be really struggling with motivation. It’s just hard to find a way to make your self sit in traction when your damaged spinal column hates you for it. If you know of a way to make that a happy place, please share. But for today I’m hanging and almost falling asleep and taking it a day at a time.

More patience please!

A woman came up to a clerk that had just waited on me and asked for someone by name. The clerk responded, “I’m sorry, she’s off today.” Then the woman said, “I know, I talked to her yesterday and she said she was going to be off today.” The clerk looked puzzled but she was polite as can be and went on to offer her assistance. When I walked away I thought about how some folks seem to have more patience than humanly possible while I on the other hand could use a little more.

I try to practice patience while I sit here. I try to put it all in perspective. This certainly isn’t the worse thing ever, not even the worst thing I’ve done but it does require some more patience than I feel I have. If I can just get myself in a good place while I sit here I have more patience, better attitude about everything, it’s all a mind game. Just like when I’m in traffic, if I think I will be late for an appointment then I’m stressed and then I lose patience. That’s when I really need to give myself a pep talk and try to disarm myself, talk myself off any cliff I’ve created in my head that the world will somehow end if I don’t make it someplace exactly when I agreed to be there. I mostly get up tight if I think I’m careless with someone else’s time. That really bugs me, if feels beyond rude, it’s either a serious case of cluelessness or arrogance, I hope I’m neither but I have been both. I find I can’t look my doctor in the eye if I’ve kept them waiting and goodness knows they’ve kept me waiting but it’s not right if I do.

It’s amazing how much of life is in our head. If I make an adjustment in my head I can usually make myself feel better about whatever it is. I wonder since I can’t count on my body, it’s just not dependable, I can’t predict one day to the next how I will feel, so maybe I’m working on having more control over something else and that pretty much leaves my mind. I can’t control anything else, don’t want to, the beauty of getting older, control just doesn’t have the same appeal, just doesn’t seem that important anymore. So if I give up control I have more patience, maybe, not sure. Yet, if I adjust my attitude I know I can sit here more patiently than if I don’t, so,…………….. here’s to mind control.

To do list in making a list (In honor of Mom, Min and Marie)

I love lists, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I instantly feel organized after I create one, even when most likely at that moment I’m the furthest thing from it. When I’m sitting in the waiting area for an appointment nothing pleases me more than to pull out a list and add notes. I’m a complete dork about adding notes and tweaking my list. Maybe it’s because even if you don’t do another thing you feel a sense of accomplishment because you compiled a list. It makes no sense but you can see how sitting here makes me want to create a list. Doesn’t matter what kind, grocery, daily chores, long-term projects, life goals, books I want to read because I think someone my age should have read them, places I want to visit near a spectacular view with something great to drink, you get the idea, it doesn’t take much……..doesn’t matter, it’s about MAKING the list. When it comes down to accomplishing the things on the list, well, sometimes I can’t even find my list to check things off. Sometimes there’s nothing to check off, sometimes I realize there is another list to make within my list. But it doesn’t matter because I know I have made an ideal list and while I’m working on getting to my list, I’m perfecting my list!

1st you need some time to yourself, check!
#2. a desire to make a list, check, check!
#3. something/anything to write on, (I’ve even used the back of a receipt at the bottom of my purse, it was that or a tissue) check!
#4. any task or idea you deem worthy of requiring a list, check!
#5. a writing tool, (lipstick has worked in a pinch,) check!
#6. great enthusiasm and a child like dream of accomplishing the list, check!
#7. realize need to create another list to better ready myself to accomplish the things on this list, check!

Well, that’s pretty much it. Just while I’m sitting here today I’ve made three lists. I’m removing my head from this contraption and I feel like Martha Stewart out of prison.

TGIM

Yeah, TGIM, Thank God it’s Monday……last week was a bad week, a lost week, I’m happy to be starting a new one! Let’s hear it for Mondays, the start of the work week, a start over, last week is one to forget.

Some back story, I was born with a flawed spinal cord that basically has some non fixable issues, I’ve been told I need a new one. Yeah, really want to line up to be the first spinal cord recipient. Anyhoo, I have a neck that sits on top of a structurally damaged column so when it’s pulled in traction it’s not happy.

Enough of this filling in the blanks, my spine hurts, most of the time, sometimes a lot, but last week, yikes. Take a knife and poke me I think it would have been a nice diversion.

Point is, it’s MONDAY, a NEW day! Time to get on with it, pain is pain, you have to know it can change you, it really can, yet you fight it, sometimes you lose but you don’t give up. So TGIM!! I’m not saying next year at this time you’re going to be sipping margaritas and dipping your cheese sticks in marinara sauce on the patio at the corner TGIM’s, but come on, there’s worse names for stuff. I was standing in line at the pharmacy the other day and I saw a “Lance Your Boil Kit”……. so yeah, there are plenty far more offensive words and images out there. I mean the first time I heard my sciatic nerve was “damaged at the root” I was a little creeped out, but you deal, you move on and you learn that after a bad time you embrace and freakin celebrate the ordinary, therefore, Happy Monday……….TGIM!!

20 Minutes

It can be the worst 20 minutes or just 20 minutes. Every time I sit here I have a choice, I can make it more miserable than it sometimes feels or I can use my mind to psych myself up to push thru it. Today is hard, everything hurts more, my back, my neck, even my ear. I can’t seem to find a good rhythm to move the time. I usually have a routine, I initially sit here and just adjust to it, then I either pray or listen to music or read or just sit and think, hence……Thoughts in Traction……when I listen to music, I remember how long each song will last so I know how much time is left, some days the time passes faster, but today, right now 3:37 ticks away before my eyes and I want to scream but at the end I’ll hit replay and just hang on a bit longer.

Right now I’m reminded how much this sucks and how I wonder sometimes if I can keep doing traction. Then I realize I’m fooling myself to think I have a choice, yes, technically I have a choice but the results would be worse than the pain and discomfort of doing traction. I’m just feeling sorry for myself today, I just need to be able to hate this in this moment, it gives me a sense of control I really don’t have. I wish I never had to do this again but come two days from now, I’ll be back here again.

glacier, blizzard, antartica, snow cones, frozen tundra

…….I’m trying to cool off. Sitting here with this thing around my head. This “thing” is an in-home cervical traction device, my head is currently wrapped in it and feels like it is hanging. The harness like thing around my head is attached to a metal piece that looks like someone perfectly bent it, therefore enabling it be tied to a rope that runs thru two pulleys all hung from the door above my head! (by the way I’m the absolute worst at describing things as you’ve just experienced) This thing that I’ve described earlier as a cheap looking bra is around my head and under my chin, it’s tight, snug rather (as it has a plastic bag with ten pounds of water pulling it) today it feels like an uncomfortable wool scarf. Jeez it’s hot outside….so I’m trying not to complain so much lately, hard to tell I know…… anyway instead of rambling on about that I’m trying to think of words to freeze my brain but hopefully not to freezer burn status.

So word association or rather mindless rambling has me passing the time today. I tried the new wild berry smoothie at McDonald’s, it gave me an intense brain freeze because I wanted to drink it way too fast as it was so delicious.

So back to thinking about words associated with cooling weather conditions that hopefully will ultimately help to stop this sweat from dripping down my face. When I think about blizzards all I can think of is I want one with cookies ‘n cream or m&m’s…..even though I have a great fascination and devotion to the weather channel, pretty sure I’ve never heard them describe a nor’easter with chocolate sprinkles.

Ok, so I’m trying to concentrate here, that’s what I’m calling it now, a bit more sophisticated than mindless rant. This thing around my head is the least glamorous thing I’ve seen the medical community come up with in a while, truly the middle ages kind of equipment. Any minute now a caveman will be coming around the corner yelling “DINNER!” carrying a wildebeest.

Maybe that’s what I need………. yeah, a celebrity to also need cervical traction and therefore bring attention to this ancient looking device and ultimately transform it into something chic! Next thing I know this little get up is on the cover of “Us Weekly”….ok…..see my mind is worthy of duplication it’s so full of fab ideas.

Wow, I can’t even get a decent mind association thing going to try to cool off. Pretty sad when you get startled out of your own stupidity trance trying to remember you were actually trying to concentrate on words like…..frozen layer of ice, Jim Cantore, salt, hail, rock salt, table salt, margarita’s, strawberries, winds whipped with cream, shaved lime ice, sleet, salt, chips and salsa, yeah, how many more minutes til I can take off this wool scarf??…..Oh holy caveman, I forgot to set the timer!!

“Do I have to come in there?!”

Do you remember when you were a kid and an adult would say that to you? It could have been a teacher saying it to the entire class as they poked their head in the room from the hallway. It could have been your babysitter yelling to you and your sister as you were giggling instead of sleeping. It could have been your parent threatening a return to the room since the volume on the TV channel had not lowered since their request and your neighbors two doors down could easily hear what you were watching.

Did you ever wonder what would happen if they did come in? It always seemed like a pretty empty threat to me. Their last-ditch effort to let you know who’s in charge because they were distracted or otherwise occupied. Yet as hollow as the words may be, they work, if only momentarily, kids everywhere seem to straighten up at the question.

Today I thought I heard that phrase again, I thought I heard it coming from the room where I do traction. I could have sworn I heard it early this morning. Yep, I heard it one day last week too. When ever I feel like skipping traction I think I hear it, a call from the other room, yelling more like it. Honestly I’m not delusional, at least not yet, it’s just a voice threatening to come get me if I don’t just freaking sit and do traction!

At this point in my year-long relationship with cervical traction one of our biggest issues is compliance. I know it and it knows me, and well, sometimes we just don’t want to be together. But its in charge and it knows whose boss. If I don’t consistently do traction it will come calling. My pain increases, I start to drop things, my grasp weakens and I wake up with numb arms, just to name a few. It gets ugly fast. These are also the symptoms of many things but for better or worse I know why they are my symptoms. I know what it means and I know if I don’t behave it’s coming for me, so I best do it before I suffer the consequences.

There’s really no empty threat here, the only person I’m hurting is myself and so I have to find it within myself to consistently stick with the routine, be faithful or I’m the one to pay. It’s rather silly, given all of that I wonder why I still struggle to find the motivation to keep going….maybe because it just kind of stinks, even on the good days when it doesn’t hurt it’s uncomfortable, it’s never-ending, it’s tedious, it’s a lot of things that aren’t too fun. Ok, enough whining for today. I’d never choose this, I’d not wish it on anyone (well, maybe one or two) but it’s the neck I’ve got, barely holding up this heavy head of mine and today is one good example of why I am blogging. “Thoughts in Traction” holds me accountable, it helps me behave, it is something I’ve started to look forward to while I’m sitting here tied up, it makes my fingers want to work, it keeps me going. Before I know it maybe I won’t hear that not so friendly phrase coming from the other room.

Thanks for reading this, thanks for helping me.